Milos Moeller (Flickr) (public domain)
If people consider you to be the new Joseph Goebbels because you’re excellent at manipulating the general public, we want to hear from you right now!
Who are we?
We at Jankro have designed an exciting innovative adult toy called The Slapper. An electronic artificial rubber hand device which slaps annoying people right in their face! Just press one button and then the person on the receiving end will definitely get the message loud and clear! Take The Slapper to your next business conference or family mediation meeting. Also The Slapper is a number 1 top selling product in various undemocratic, corrupt and former communist countries.
The job role-
The successful candidate will be working at our unattractive headquarters in an industrial estate within the area of Milton Keynes, right next to Europe’s largest abattoir. So please don’t send us your CV if you are a loyal vegetarian or you feel that you wouldn’t be able to concentrate while constantly hearing the noise of animals in distress.
We need you to be 100% alert at all times! If the management feels that you are not working at the pace which is required for the job, don’t worry! We won’t punish you! Far from it, we will provide you with generous amounts of strong black coffee and other caffeine related drinks which makes your blood pressure rise!
Most of the time you will be stuck behind a dilapidated uneven wooden desk which is covered with endless amounts of crude childish graffiti! We will provide you with a soiled broken computer chair which can only turn anticlockwise. We expect you to be highly proficient with Windows XP computers and also be able to quickly add important data into endless amounts of Microsoft Excel spreadsheets while the day just slowly drags on and on!
Sometimes unfortunately you will have to interact over the telephone or even worse, face to face with various customers who may have controversial hygiene issues. This is why you must be able to be calm and pretentious when situations suddenly become volatile! Even if you have an angry customer shouting profanity at you while traces of their spit splashes onto your face, never clench your fist ok! Smile at the angry customer while they degrade you! Give the impression that you are a masochist!
If you ever get to the stage where you feel disillusioned or unmotivated while working at Jankro, the managers will put your needs first. Yes they will head straight to their soundproof office (with a crate of beer) and then have a good old laugh while creating some new ridiculous job titles for workers who desperately need some positivity in their lives. Make you suddenly feel worthy enough to have a “LinkedIn” profile.
Once the managers are able to gain their composure, they will announce which staff members will receive a new work title which suggests that the person has just been given a work promotion, but still keep their pay at a bare minimum! A pay rise will only occur once the government decides to increase the minimum wage (usually just before a general election.)
You must-
• Be perceptive! We don’t want to hear from anyone who has already made the idiotic assumption that Jankro offers our employees endless amounts of fantastic opportunities. The reality of it is: there’s no glitz and glamour at Jankro ok!
• Be willing to work within an environment where bullying is acceptable.
• Be able to tolerate vast amounts of deluded jobsworths who show signs of being an unstable megalomaniac.
• Have a positive “can-do” attitude and be able to kiss any work colleague’s arse within a beautiful outstanding methodical way.
Application process-
Once we have read your ridiculous exaggerations on your CV, we may invite you for a job interview so we can belittle and also intimidate you.
Benefits-
At our headquarters, we have an on-site counsellor, a padded cell and a large supply of clean upmarket hypodermic needles.
Apply now! Due to the small amount of CVs we usually receive, you will definitely hear from us sooner than later.
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