The Government has announced today that it is placing a lifetime ban on all forms of technology for anyone retarded enough to drill a 3.5mm hole into a handset that costs nearly £700.
Apollo 11 Guidance Computer
“Smartphones are very sophisticated pieces of equipment,” explained Government adviser, Sir Glen Pubechin “The computing power inside an iPhone 7 is about 120 million times more powerful than the Apollo 11 guidance computer. We just can’t let these fuckwits loose on that kind of technology.“
“It would be like letting Donald Trump loose on the USA’s nuclear defence system,” he added.
3.5mm Holes
Extremely stupid people, have, after spending the better part of £1000 on a state of the art phone, been drilling 3.5mm holes into the case to try and find a headphone jack, that they believe Apple have hidden under the case. Although why on earth Apple would do this seems to have eluded these people.
Dribble
“I bought an iPhone 7 ‘cos its waterproof and so it don’t matter if I dribble on it,” explained Drake Pigshit, an imbecile from Kent. “But I was really cross init, ‘cos there was no hole to plug my £400 Beats headphones in. So I drilled one, like in the YouTube video.”
“The screen cracked a bit and went black, now my phone wont turn on no more. I’m furious and I am gonna sue Apple, I think,” he added angrily.
Utter Stupidity
Amid a chorus of laughter, at the utter stupidity of some members of the human race, spokesperson for Apple told The Druid’s Loom, “It was hardly a secret that there was no headphone jack in the iPhone 7. It’s been all over the media for months. So I can’t understand why these people are so ‘furious’. They knew this feature wasn’t there when they bought the fucking phone!”
“But the really stupid part; the icing on the cake; is that we include an adaptor so old headphones work anyway. What is wrong with these people?” he continued.
Nokia 5210
The Government has proposed that anyone found drilling holes into their iPhones, will be sectioned under the Mental Health Act, and placed in a nice soft room away from sharp objects. Access to technology will be limited to a Nokia 5210 and a digital watch, if they are able to tell the time.
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